Dark Satanic Millenials

In a recent survey, Pointless Generalisations magazine asked 150 top CEOs what their Millenial workforces were looking for from their jobs. It produced some startling results that should make business leaders sit up and take note. Gone are requests for job security, flexibility, a fair wage for a fair day’s work, an equitable workload, the ability to occasionally work from home, a safe and healthy work environment, the opportunity to collaborate on creative new projects, having their ideas given a fair hearing, personal development and other such outmoded 20th century fads. Instead, the Snapchat-loving hipsters of today are bringing in disruptive new working habits that look to shake the old order to it’s very foundations.

The following is not an exhaustive list but it certainly captures the pulse of the way Millenials think about their working lives: Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens; Bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens; Brown paper packages tied up with strings; Cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudels; Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles; Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings; Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes; Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes and silver white winters that melt into springs.

Leadership guru, Dr Maslow Pinkwell PhD notes: “Businesses that want to thrive will only do so if they pander to the whims of poorly researched, ill thought out, typo-ridden, sensationalist clickbait. Money doesn’t motivate Millenials the same way it did their cubicle-dwelling, bowler-hatted equivalents from 2008. Now they want autonomy, mastery and purpose. And money too.”

Technology, naturally, has a large part to play. Cloud-based applications, or “apps” as our trendy, young workplace colleagues would have it, have had a seismic impact on workplace productivity. Whereas previously employees had to wade through as many as 100 emails per day, that inefficiency has been replaced by 30 Slack channels, a daily stand up meeting, 2 scrums, 5 “hackathons” and a WhatsApp messenger group. And you won’t find a Millenial staring out of the window for 30 minutes on a grey, damp Thursday anymore. That’s when they’re scheduled to have a 30 minute mindfulness session. They’re more likely to quote Zoella at you than Zola.

Make no mistake, the world of work will never be the same again. Get with the program, Grandad!

This post originally appeared in Infantile Sensationalism magazine.

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